It's been around a week since I fell sick. I went to the doctor last Sunday and got some x-rays done, the doctor said it was a viral thing, and I saw a lot of other people there coughing just like me. It worries me as I couldn't work this past week, but my boss is also as sick as me, hopefully we can work next week.
The good thing is I had plenty of time, which I used for resting a lot, making a costume for one of my Sylvaninan bunnies and finally making a website. It was harder than I expected, I had never designed a website nor even put my hands on anything like code before. Html and css are still very fresh concepts to me, and my head it's still trying to process that this is what all of the internet I've been inmersed into for years is made of.
Now after some bad days, both mentally and emotionally, I'm finally feeling better. I could finally wash my hair so I'm starting to feel like a human being again. And even when I have been confined at home for over a week, all the process for making this website (planning, investigation, learning, coding, trying to make things look the way I like) has kept me entertained and it's always good to have a project in mind.
I have started writing a blog numerous times, the first time I probably was not even in highscool yet. The concept of documenting your life by writing has always called me, and, while I keep a handwritten diary, having something to share it's good too. But in the past, I never made it past a couple posts in my blogs, because of the shame of someone else (that knows me in real life) reading it, or because I didn't like the layout of the webs that offered a blog service. Then, I gave up having a blog as I sadly watched it lost relevance on the internet, in exchange for the new social pages appearing. I made myself a profile on most of the social media webs but nothing made me feel comfortable long enough to stick around. Eventually, I started to delete them all, as even the knowledge of those accouunts existing (even if I easn't active) holded some kind of weight on me. Twitter and Tiktok were not hard to get rid off, tumblr was harder but after people migrated from there, it was never the same again. I still keep my facebook for the marketplace. But instagram... that thing is hard delete.
At first instagram was really nice, but in the later years it drains me more every time. I have stopped using it for some amounts of time. A week first, two months the second time, but I keep coming back. Most people is there, and, I don't know, because I've been fantasizing with the idea of deleting all my social media for a long while now but it's like I don't dare to do it. And I don't even post things there, I used it to post my art and join some art challenges, but I've been mostly inactive since the pandemic ended. Also, now they have that IA training thing and I don't like it. But where else can I post my art? Will I miss something good by not having instagram? Will I lost all contact with those ocassional friends I sometimes exchange some words there? Those questions still haunt me and are not letting me get rid of it. But honestly, I think deep inside I know it's more harm than good for me to keep instagram around. And I didn't wanna totally dissapear from the internet, so I hope having this website helps me a little.
Why I wanna delete social media? To have more time, and more space in my mind, to not be so glued to my phone everytime I have free time, to love more present, as I know all that it's good to my mind. I watch and admire a lot all those people I see and know deleting their social media accunts and using flip phones instead of smartphones, and I believe them when they say it's made them feel better. And I think that's the kind of person I wanna be. I wanna feel a little more free, like I used to feel years ago. But also, I remember when the internet was something so new and exciting and full of possibilities, and I don't want to stay totally away from it, but I want to use it in a better way. And these days while surfing on personal websites made with love and dedication by random people, I could feel like that again, like when I was just entering into my teenage years and the internet actually was something cool and unique. So my plan is to use this website and Youtube, to keep a certain presence on the internet, and maybe that helps me to finally make the desition to get rid of instagram, which is like my nemesis right now. And besides, I think I'll learn some coding, as a side effect, which is nice.
It's been just like a week but it feels great to have a virtual space I can organize and color however I want, where I can post art and things made by me and highlight them if I want and keep everything up as long as I want and not just in a 24 hour long story.
Not much more to say about it. The other day, when I went to the doctor, I could notice the spring is blooming early. Which is nice because it's been such a cold cold winter this year. I took some pics of flowers blooming in trees I'll leave here. Also, my bedroom gets literally no direct sunlight in the winter, but this week I finally had some sun beams passong trought the window and projecting into my wall during the sunset, which is a sign of the weather getting better. Early spring and summer always makes me fall into some nostalgic state of mind, the just-a-little-warmer days and the ever-present smell of flowers make me long for something I can never identify. This feeling stuck even more on me now that I was selecting pictures for the Photo section and remembering so many things as I saw them. But this specific stational nostalgia, even when it has sometimes made me cry, is a sensation I usually classify as positive, and slighyly hopeful.
